8 Keys to Navigating Grief
Grief is a normal response to loss, be it temporary or permanent.
While everyone experiences grief differently, there are eight keys to navigating this emotionally challenging process.
Key Number 1: See Grief as a Process Rather Than a Destination.
Of course, you want to feel better, but even this can be complicated, as feeling better might feel like you’re not honoring what or who was lost.
When grief is a process, you’re less concerned about an outcome but are able to relax into what is in front of you and do the keys I’m sharing in this article. Grief as a process allows you to let the emotions be what they are.
This, by the way, is the next key.
Key Number 2: Skillfully Acknowledge the Intense Emotions.
Allow yourself to feel the intense emotions, the pain, and the sorrow. Suppressing emotions can hinder healing and opens the door to emotionally numbing addictions.
Skillfully acknowledge the intense emotions by holding them as you would a butterfly, able to stay or fly away yet not overidentify with them.
It’s anger, not your anger. It’s deep sadness, not the new you.
Why? For two reasons.
First, holding emotions as a butterfly in your hands gives them permission to be as they are, to give you the messages they want to give without you overidentifying with them.
Again, it’s anger, not your anger.
It’s a painful loss, not something that is personally defining, permanent, or pervasive, even though it feels this way.
Second, holding emotions as you would a butterfly means that you’re not pushing away these intense emotions.
It’s simple but not easy.
What I’m describing will feel impossible at times, holding space for such strong emotions.
But it’s a way that you honor the loss while also allowing yourself to fully process it
Key Number 3: Acceptance
Acceptance shifts energy, and shifting is exactly what you need when you're working through loss.
It’s normal to resist the situation that life has revealed.
After a farming accident left him as quadriplegic, Chad Hymas wasn’t accepting any of his new situation. Who would?
He spent considerable time trying to sort through the emotional journey of his loss with little to show for it. He was in a dark place, and nothing could pull him out of it.
When his father challenged him to do what he could (key number 4), he started to come to terms with how much resentment, denial, and self-pity he had built up.
He got to work doing what little he could, but also coming to accept that, while he didn’t prefer the situation, it was what it was.
Acceptance shifts energy, and shifting is exactly what you need when you’re working through loss.
Key Number 4: Do What You Can Do.
When I went through a difficult period of grief, I could barely go to work, let alone do much more than survive. It was as if my headlights were shining a few feet beyond the car, and I did what was next.
Sound familiar?
Yet, I knew that action was key, doing what I could do to move forward in my life.
Yes, I spent time in meditation, processing the losses, noticing my level of acceptance to my current reality.
And I looked at what else I could do.
I became aware of a support group and joined.
I baked in some time each week to help others. That brought me joy..
I did yoga and others form of physical exercise (key number 6) and it brought me a level of vitality.
Identify what you can do, not to mask the pain or distract you, but walking, yoga, Thai Chi, help the body to process trauma.
Speaking of a support group,
Key Number 5: Seek and Accept Support.
You don’t have to go through this alone.
Reach out to trusted family members, friends, church clergy, or professional counselors.
Consider contacting your local hospice agency or community grief center for guidance. Support groups can be immensely helpful for individuals coping with various challenges as they show you that you’re not alone.
And they can make your situation worse.
Watch for support groups that bang the victim-identity drum so much that they frame your situation as permanent. Your situation is devastating, and you have options unless you allow guilt or a permanent negative label to become part of your identity.
Watch for unsound advice.
Some support group members do too much to try to help others and end up giving out advice that doesn’t hold water or pushes you into positivity (put on a happy face) when you’re still processing a lot of emotions.
Let your supportive friends, family and well-meaning support groups know how they can help you in your journey.
Key Number 6: Movement and Mindful Breathing.
Yoga and mindful breathing are a proven winner when it comes to processing trauma.
Studies have shown that yoga helps trauma survivors increase positive body awareness and regulate their nervous systems.
Yoga reduces stress, helps you fight depression while helping the body process stored trauma.
Come on, what do you have to lose by adding in a little yoga and mindful breathing into your daily routine?
You might be the one who says, I came for the weird poses, but stayed for the man bun.
Kidding, but many trauma survivors swear by yoga as a key to their return to vitality.
I found that walking, really any form of exercise took my mind off of the loss while doing something really healthy for my body.
When you’re dealing with heavy emotions, of course you need time to process it, but also set aside time for yoga, movement, mindful breathing and other forms of physical exercise.
Key Number 7: Wise Cocooning
This key is tricky in that it’s tempting to isolate but on the other side of that, grief takes a lot of energy and you won’t have it for some things and people.
In my case, I became more mindful of people and activities that seemed to feed me while other seemed to drain me.
I didn’t have the fuel in my tank for complainers, political idealists, selfish people or a host of other people and activities. Become aware of what feeds you and what takes from you.
Grief takes a lot of energy.
Well-meaning people who want to dump their endless wisdom and positive memes on you might not make the cut.
Find the sweet spot of alone time and empowering social time.
Value the friend who will sit with you in silent support.
But don’t return the call of that family member who thinks they know what you need and enjoys shoving their wisdom down your throat.
Find the right balance between healing and social time to create the right cocoon for you.
The final key is…
Key Number 8: Prioritize Sleep
Oh, you knew sleep would come up, and here we are.
Sleep does so much to help you process intense emotions.
Be consistent in your sleep prep when you sleep and create a restful environment.
I got into a practice where, an hour before bed, I made a sleepy tea and did some journaling and meditation.
Journaling was a great way to process the day’s emotions and surrender it all to a higher power as I prepared for much needed sleep.
I hate to admit this, but my partner didn’t like this. I really needed the sleep prep time and uninterrupted sleep, so we slept in separate rooms.
You do you, but I felt I needed this for me.
But oh, my sleep helped my recovery!
Why does a good night's rest give you so much energy and perspective to navigate a grief journey?
Oh, we could get into the health benefits of REM sleep and so many other things, but you know what I’m talking about with sleep. Your pre-sleep time doesn’t have to be an hour like I did or include meditation and journaling, but both helped me tremendously.
Journaling alone was worth the hour, to put it on paper or as I eventually did, used video to capture my thoughts and surrender my cares.
Summary
Can a healthy grief process help you return to vitality?
After a loss, some things will never be the same. As I reflect back on my grief journeys, yes, I found new vitality, but things are never the same.
Back to acceptance, that can be a hard pill to swallow, but coming to terms with the unfolding of something else that is not your preference, but something else that you could not have expected.
Sit with what is unfolding like that great friend who sits with you, silent yet supportive.
Loss can be devasting in so many ways, and something beautiful remains after the dust settles. That “something beautiful” might be your new life that unfolded better than you could have imagined. That “something beautiful" might be the recognition of all the good your loved one left behind.
Or that “something beautiful” might be your core self that you rediscovered because of all the grief.
Grief is a process. These eight keys will help you navigate the process in a very productive way. Thanks for joining us today at the Change Capability Institute.
Quinn Price
Quinn is an Executive Coach and change expert who has worked with dozens of large companies, including Microsoft, Nike, Lockheed, Thiokol, PGE, Deloitte, and many others. He is interested in helping people regain their vitality after a setback, heal after manipulation, create high-performing teams, and implement cultural change that realizes measurable benefits.
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The Change Capability Institute exists to help people and organizations change faster. We focus on change education in the areas of creating vitality after setbacks, developing high-performance teams, and accelerating organizational change (especially culture change).
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